Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?

Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.