Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
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“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf