Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.