Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
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I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.