Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

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I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.


I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead


I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.


Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.


Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*


I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know


Go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby. He’d be so freaked out that a baby is trying to murder him, you’ll have the element of surprise.


Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.


Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.


me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go