Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad