[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
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bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
me irl
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
i’m sure it’s fine
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning