Modded the new Gran Turismo
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Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?