talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
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Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed
Cat owners: I took garbage out one night
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Throwing a Don’t Kill Yourself Dinner Party where everyone brings a dish so delicious that we remember why life is worth living
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday