[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
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If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?