Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

For anyone who needs this today

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

— Mark Twain

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:

-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

My purse is deeper than some people.

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

January is lasting longer than my marriage

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating