Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?

Because I didn’t.

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

my favorite gender

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.