*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
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Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too