Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

wow he looks just like him

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

Ok who’s got my black socks?

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

When the stylist spins you back around

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.