*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
You Might Also Like
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.