[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
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I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
(more comics:
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff