[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
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Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
fired
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
You’ll be OK
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.