[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
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“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.