[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
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Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff