Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

presenting your incognito window wrapped

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona

This cat wants you to take your pills

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

(Adobe CEO’s house)

Like the new couch hun?

Update it.

What about the wallpap…

UPDATE IT ALL.

You’re scaring the ki…

UPDATE THEM TOO…

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: rewatching Frozen.

Wife: why?

Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.

Wife: why?

Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.

Wife: why?

Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill