Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want

No one :

Me when I swimming :

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?

Me: Great!

11: Want to hear it again?

Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

Friend- Are you tired?

Me- Nope, just ugly.