[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
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[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
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[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly