[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
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hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Spotted in New Orleans.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Boy never ceases to amaze me