Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
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Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I can fix him.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone