Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

Me: how about we role-play?

Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!

My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

Not even remotely sorry.

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?