Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know me at all do you?”

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it

Sex so good you see dead people.

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

A little too much information.

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.