Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.

[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

911: What’s your emergency?

THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE

911: Barista?

IT’S A GUY. BARISTO

911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

*Backstreet Boys voice*

Am I acceptable?

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?