Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

Sunday

My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.

So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”

I replied “sorry I’m married.”

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?

Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral