[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
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Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
#CoronaOutbreak
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
You know after that whole Humpty Dumpty thing, anytime something broke in the kingdom, haters would say, “Why don’t we let the horses take a look?”
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names