[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
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If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit