[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
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SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
“OMGJK” -atheists
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?