[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
You Might Also Like
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
He took my last fry, your honor
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes