Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
dictator is short for richard potato
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
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