Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
This makes total sense…
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
