Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

[being seated for blind date]

her: have you ever been on one of these before

me: yeah I love chairs

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

Last-minute gift idea!

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.