Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

If your girl is always telling you, ‘Terrain! Terrain! Pull up!’ That’s not your girl. That’s the ground proximity warning system.

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.

Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”

The Lion In Me:

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]