Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

#HatDadJoke

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?

My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.

It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.