Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

ㅤ

me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.