Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

writers really said: what if homework… was a career.

This January has 47 Mondays

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

don’t message me unless you have this energy

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate