Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”