Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”

old twitter is back baby

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

Me: How could you do this?

Her: I just felt like you needed to know

Me: I’ve completely lost trust

Her: I know this is hard

Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.

i’m gonna allow it

Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

How can I say no to this ?

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess