Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you

“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time

Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

my sentiments exactly

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.