Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

ㅤ

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

c’mon!

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud