{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?![]()
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Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
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my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.