Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.

As he expected, no one came.

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo

ME: *way too loud* A granaconda

ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

Good morning, Twitter x

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief