Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?

optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.

I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.

You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.

6yo: You’re grounded.

Me: Okay.

6yo: FOREVER!

Me: Thank you.

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

Always remember…. A mirror never lies.

(Fatty)

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.