@KeetPotato

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

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@frenziedandfine

If a lot of my tweets sound familiar it’s probably because I’ve tweeted it before. Motherhood has made me very prone to repeating myself.

@Tmoney68

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

@Mothernetic

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

@LackOfShame

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

@michaelianblack

“Man of Steel” is about a boy learning how to control his alien body. It is a two and a half hour allegory about puberty.

@peteholmes

Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word “stop.”

@fro_vo

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

@TEXASVETERAN

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?