@KeetPotato

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

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@MartaEffing

Tonight’s Menu: Gourmet pork blend sausage with organic tomato reduction, served on warm split bread rolls.

AKA: Hot dogs with ketchup.

@HatfieldAnne

If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.

@NewDadNotes

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

@KyleMcDowell86

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

@Cheeseboy22

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

@chrisdowning

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

@HatfieldAnne

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

@68Cly29

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds