If a lot of my tweets sound familiar it’s probably because I’ve tweeted it before. Motherhood has made me very prone to repeating myself.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
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I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Masks hanging from the rearview mirror are the new fizzy dice.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
“Man of Steel” is about a boy learning how to control his alien body. It is a two and a half hour allegory about puberty.
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word “stop.”
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?