[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]

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If a lot of my tweets sound familiar it’s probably because I’ve tweeted it before. Motherhood has made me very prone to repeating myself.


I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.


Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.


[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?


“Man of Steel” is about a boy learning how to control his alien body. It is a two and a half hour allegory about puberty.


Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word “stop.”


CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator


How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?