Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.

Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-

Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

🥶🥶🐶🐶

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”