Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
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You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
The USS B port
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy