[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
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boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
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Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Whisper out to librarians!
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
