My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
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[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
this is the best day of my life
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.