Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….

Help end the violence!!!

Eat BACON!!

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…

WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

ME: *making lightsaber noises*

COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

Guy who pronounces HOA like boa

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

Okay this one takes it home

8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”

I try