[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
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i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉