Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

our love will go down in history

like the Hindenburg

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear

THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?

ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

Meme Monday.

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked