Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God has abandoned us.

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR

HER: do you want dessert?

ME: ok, but just a small slice.

Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.

5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”

Me: rough day, buddy?

5: I need a glass of milk. Now.

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

I’ve had my panties on inside out all morning and no one said anything!

Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂