Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
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Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you