Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The invention of the 2nd telephone

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

Breaking news:

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.