Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.