Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
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Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.