Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”

Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one

Me: you’ll be in school until 2035

My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number

Me: maybe even longer

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know