Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
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If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Liquor Store Parking
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows