Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me when i see my girls butt

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.