[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
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Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.