[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
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Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove