[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
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Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
getting corrected
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
