[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
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Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?