[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
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Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Ok but actually
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.