Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

Me: It’s time to get ready for school.

Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?

Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.

[6 hours later]

Kid: What are we having for dinner?

Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

accidentally clicking the spam button on someone you email regularly but being too lazy to undo it and seeing how it plays out

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

“Boo!” — cow with a cold