[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
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[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good