Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!

Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.

Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

Festive toon…

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what