Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.

Apparently they are called children.

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE