[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
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[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
You’re the water to my grease fire.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.