Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
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Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
can’t talk my ride’s here
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value