Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
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Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
How can I say no to this ?
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.