Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
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“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Made something I’m not proud of
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.